On the Win “That was a nail biter, but we did it. I am not sure how I am going to be able to write up plays or fill in the depth chart next week, what with no fingernails and all. But I will find a way to get by. Seriously though, my fingertips look like half smashy sausage links. It’s disgusting. Looks like I already broke my New Year’s resolution.” On Peyton Manning “We beat him fair and square. I am glad I didn’t have my friend Tony Pazziano break his tibia. Not only did it save me $50,000, but I also won clean and fair. And that’s priceless.” On Ladanian Tomlinson Finally Having a Good Playoff Game “I know he has had a great career, but the way he played today [2 TDs] justifies his existence as a human being. Yes it seems shallow to reduce him to such a simple and trivial thing. But it was his decision to pursue the life path he did and this is the place he has placed himself. He literally justified his entire existence by playing well yesterday.” On Playing New England Next Week “I am just prepping for what Tom Brady brings to the table and keeping Tony Pazziano’s phone number close by. Just in case.” 
1/2/2011 9:12 a.m. EST * Cornerback Antonio Cromartie is questionable for today’s game with a strained groin. Due to his past history of numerous sexcapades you can only imagine how he sustained such an injury. All team doctors will say is that it involved a trampoline, a dwarf horse, and three standard issue Boy Scout B.B. guns and that “he rest explains itself.” * Safety Eric Smith is doubtful to play today due to a concussion. Team doctors say that if he were to be hit in the head, his brain would explode through his skull like “it was a grape heated on high in a microwave for twenty minutes.” He still might play, though. * Wide Receiver Santonio Holmes is probable for today’s game. He is still hung over from New Year’s.
I’ve got a match: responsibility around fire and community safety. Remember, fire control starts with YOU! An addendum, I did not burn down Devin Hester’s condominium. I would know exactly how to do it but it was not me. Just sayin’…
In a shocking development it was found that Jets Middle Linebacker Bart Scott accidentally got his tongue stuck to a pole for three hours late last night. Sources say that he did this “on a dare to prove that his tongue wouldn’t stick to a frozen pole.” “He straight up lost the dare,” said an anonymous witness. Team doctors are running tests today to see if Bart will be able to call defensive plays for the final regular season game this Sunday against the Buffalo Bills. “One thing is for sure,” said coach Rex Ryan, “He won’t be tasting the sweet flavor of victory for a while.”
On the Loss
“The worst part of that game is that we lost to a guy like Jay Cutler who is probably the biggest douche in sports. And not only did we lose to him, but he played really well (throwing 3 TDs), which just adds insult to injury. No one wants an asshole to win and we allowed that. I mean, seriously he looks like a penis was screwed into the neck hole of a life insurance salesman’s body and given a wig, then passed off for a human being. That’s an accurate description of how Jay Cutler looks. You might think I am obsessed with sex, but the fact that he looks like a talking wiener is undeniable. I am mostly ashamed of myself for allowing us to lose. I am deeply, deeply ashamed.”
On The Jets Locking In A Playoff Spot
“I mean it’s good. But we’ve lost three of the last four games. And that’s no way to march into the playoffs. It’s like we are limping into the playoffs bound and gagged. No dominant team is going to be the one bound and gagged. The winning team is the one that snaps the whip, that inflicts the pain. And we have failed to do that. We need to be the one barking demands and…. sorry I got distracted. What was I going on about? Oh yeah! Playoffs. I can’t wait to enter them.”
On Being Stuck In Chicago Due To The Northeast Blizzard
“My wife said there is about two feet of snow. Mmmmm feet….”
12/26/2010 12:50 p.m. EST
* Santonio Holmes is probable for today’s game with an injured toe. Rex Ryan is really interested in his progress almost to the point of fetishizing over it.
* Quarterback Mark Sanchez is expected to start despite a right shoulder injury. Young women and gay men everywhere hold back their tears.
* Cornerback Darrelle Revis is probable with a nagging hamstring injury. No one cares about this injury more than Darelle Revis.
On the Win
“When you look into the Devil’s eyes and see the pure blackness, a non-being that is, you either lose all fear or succumb to it completely. You either lunge forward into the eternal abyss of nothingness or open your arms letting him splice open your stomach as you watch your guts pile to the ashen ground. We were lucky. We won this game. But I vomited before that game and that speaks to something.” On His Playoff Chances “Have you ever seen a child’s innocence lost? I am losing my mind unless my mind is losing itself. Everywhere I go I see Tom Brady’s head on cars where the Mercedes hood ornaments should live. But it’s just a mocking devilish man with a chin butt ridiculing my team. We are still in it. In the playoff race. But I know pure evil and his name is Belichick. He has cursed this barren New England grown and feasts upon the souls of the weak. ” On The Current State Of The Jets “I just peed my pants. And there is nothing anyone can do about it.”
12/19/2010 2:05 p.m. EST * The entire roster of the New York Jets is questionable after brutally getting their asses kicked the last two weeks in a row. It’s debatable if they will be able to play 100% by the 4:15 p.m. EST kick off.
FLORHAM PARK, N.J.- Jets strength coach Sal Alosi has been fined $250,000,000 and banned for the remainder of the season after tripping Miami Dolphins player Nolan Carroll Sunday on the Jets’ sideline. The ban includes all playoff games and will culminate in a public execution at half time of the Pro Bowl. Alosi has requested to be shot by firing squad in America’s first televised execution, but league sources state the Commissioner Roger Goodell would prefer to have the “dirty coach” drawn and quartered, with his head placed on a pig pole in Canton.
On the Loss
“Hey do you guys think the Shake Weight works? I have a friend who swears by it and he has quite defined biceps and triceps now. He never used to but now he actually looks quite good in a tank top or cutoff T or Under Armour. I mean, the way the whole thing functions looks ridiculous, which is part of why the Shake Weight is such an easy target for cheap jokes. But if it works, well, that could change everything.” On His Two Game Losing Streak & Slipping AFC East Standing “Honestly how do Sea Monkeys work? I understand that they are just shrimp. Actually a type of brine shrimp to be more specific. The fact they live in suspended animation is miraculous, but not as miraculous as the marketing and general brand concept behind this simple hobby kit for children.” On Whether Or Not He Is Consciously Ignoring The Press Conference Questions “Now one thing I know works is The Clapper…”
12/12/2010 9:48 a.m. EST * Santonio Holmes is probable for today’s game with a sore back. On the record he states that this is the absolute LAST time he ever tries to rescue a baby raccoon from a sewer drain. * Safety James Ihedigbo is out today because of an ankle/knee injury. Team doctors state that the main problem is that he has an ankle/knee and not just an ankle or a knee. * Tackle D’Brickashaw Ferguson is questionable for today’s game due to a sore shoulder. After numerous tests team doctors determined that he slept funny and will likely we need a new pillow in the coming weeks. * Backup Quarterback Mark Brunell died in his sleep last night. He will still man placeholding duties, though.
***Ducasse marveling at the wonders of human touch.***
Height: 6’5” (tall) Weight: 325 (fat) Age: 23
College: Massachusetts (the greatest of all football power houses)
Years Experience: Rookie
Known For: After being the first UMASS player drafted since 1999, he has thus far been hugely disappointing after not being able to play “football” well. Coaches are pissed. Especially after they cut all Pro guard Alan Faneca in favor of Ducasse (a move on par to, as a child, trading your brand new Schwinn for a leaky box of dog poop birthed by a great dane’s netherpart).
Skillz Fact: He has an idiot-level IQ (13 on the Wonderlic) and can bench 225 lbs 29 times. Though one would assume low intelligence and high strength would be a good thing, it turns out its pretty worthless (i.e. a sports car that can only go 55 miles an hour or a gun that shoots flowery compliments).
Where Was He Born: Haiti. A land whose main export is tetrodotoxin and main import is a lack of hope.
Where Did He Get That Name: He had to change his name to that of a flat top Russian Boxer from pro-America B movie Fists of Freedom after he murdered a beautiful 18 year old girl in a small Californian town after allegedly wanting to “pet her hair.”
Notable Hygiene Flaw: Always seems to have crusted boogers around his nose (like most stupid people- am I right or am I right? I’m right).
Fun Fact: He loves tiny things but not as much as shiny objects or clowning.
Fun Fact #2: He’d drink out of a gutter if he was thirsty.
Let’s Get Personal:
“If you don’t like the way dat I play, well den I go up in one of dose caves up there. Yep. And I’ll have rabbits and take care of ‘em and live off the fatta land. Yep, just a little garden up all by myself like. If you don’t like the way dat I play, well dats what I’m gonna do. Just up in those hills there.”
Coach Rex Ryan Says:
“As soon as I can think of a PC way to say, ‘mentally handicapped’ I will have something to say about him. But for right now I can’t think of one other than the R word, and that’s not PC at all.”
On the Loss
“It was the worst loss of my career. We were completely exposed and gutted. This last Monday I flew too close to the sun and came crashing down to the Earth. I got burned and it hurts. I now know what it feels like to be mortal: It sucks.” On Tom Brady “Tom proved that, as long as he’s around, Mark Sanchez will still always be the second best-looking signal caller in the league.” On Now Being Second In The AFC East Ryan stares into space for a moment, opens two Twinkies and puts them into his mouth at the same time. He swallows them whole without chewing, like a boa constrictor. He punches the podium, cries a single tear, and then shuffles off stage left mumbling.
12/5/2010 12:30 a.m. EST
* Safety Jim Leonhard is out for today’s game due to an inflamed cankle. Team doctors are still running tests to see if they should treat his calf or his ankle. As of today they are flummoxed. * Wide Receiver/Kick Returner Brad Smith is probable against the Patriots today after his son kicked a soccer ball into his groin late Friday afternoon. The injury actually came when Smith kicked a cinderblock, thus breaking his pinky tow, when realizing that America’s Funniest Home Videos is no longer on the air. * Cornerback Dwight Lowery is questionable after getting his head cut off in an axe fight. It was successfully reattached earlier this week but doctors say it is still “rather tender” around his neck.
***Light as a feather, stiff as a board.***
Height: 6’0” Weight: 203Age: 28
College: North Carolina State (where he had a bunch of records that are too minute and boring to quote)
Years Experience: 7 (better than 6, but not good as 8)
Known For: Being one of the best receivers on the Jets squad, but not as good as Braylon Edwards or Santonio Holmes.
Weird Fact: Cotchery was born with six fingers on his left hand. For reals.
Other Weird Fact: He is the youngest of 13 children. A baker’s dozen. Which is ironic because his father worked for a Wonder Bread factory and was a “masterbaker.”
Positive Karma Points Good Deed: At 12, Jerricho murdered a quail that had been terrorizing Birmingham’s chickadee population. He is still honored once a year in the small wild finch community on “Jerrich Cotchery Day.”
Neutral Karma Points Good Deed: He once put a deer out of it’s misery, but it was after it was hit by his car.
Negative Karma Point Good Deed: One time he killed a bear that was a chasing a kid. He was unaware that the kid had stabbed it’s baby bear to death with a dull stick and was acting out of revenge. The child ended up killing a family of four eight years later.
Let’s Get Personal:
“Joshua fought the battle of me, me me, Joshua fought the battle of me, and the walls came tumbling down! Down. Down. Down. The walls came tumbling down. Down, down, down. The walls came tumbling down. Joshua fought the battle of me, me, me, Joshua fought the battle of me, and the walls came tumbling down!”
Cotchery then spins around in a circle for two minutes until he falls into a wall.
Coach Rex Ryan Says:
“What the f**k?”
